Angry Rant: Ryan Lochte is a D-Bag

by John Huffstetler

After the 2012 Summer Olympics, Ryan Lochte celebrated his achievements with a whirlwind publicity tour to discuss his amazing accomplishm....oh wait, he only had two golds? Oh, and one was a team race. He was embarrassingly passed by Yannick Angel in the final leg of the 4x100 relay to cost the United States the medal? He was passed in the 200 Back by teammate Tyler Clary and finished third? He lost to Michael Phelps (a legitimate champion) in the 200 IM? Doesn't sound like he did anything in the olympics. So why is this magnificent douchebag (seen to the right sporting a "grill" while holding his one individual gold) going on a publicity tour like he's a conquering hero?

Why? Because Ryan Lochte loves himself some Ryan Lochte. I can just picture him at home making out with his own reflection in the mirror, then walking to his closet where he keeps his 130 pair of shoes (not kidding) and picking out a sick pair. The "highlight" of his shoe collection are his neon green abominations (pictured to the left) with "Ryan" on the right sole and "Lochte" on the left. Oh, he also markets and wears shirts that have his own name and "made in the USA" (pictured below) on them. This means that at some point, he must have simultaneously worn a t-shirt and shoes with his own name on them at the same time. Yeah, that's not self-indulgent at all. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that he was TERRIBLE in the Olympics!!! The wardrobe issues don't stop there either. He has said about his amazing style: "All the stuff that I do, like, the crazy shoes I wear, like the grills I wear on the podium, the crazy shoes, all that crazy stuff- like, rock star." First of all, that sentence is an abortion of the English language. Second of all, he mentioned his shoes twice in the same sentence. Third of all, how on Earth can he call himself a "rock star" when he's spent the majority of his life in a fucking speedo (including Pink ones apparently).

Beyond all of the obvious wardrobe issues, Lochte recently put in a trademark for the word "Jeah!" At this point, I'm having a hard time typing because I'm paralyzed with rage, but I'll do my best. By most reports, he basically stole the catchphrase from a Young Jeezy song, yet according to him, he changed Jeezy's word from "Cheah" to "Jeah" to make it his own. He explains it using monosyllabic words and grunts on this riveting video here. Warning: That video is cringeworthy. Not only is it the worst catchphrase on Earth and more than likely stolen, he believes in his pea-sized brain that he needs to trademark this amazing catchphrase to capitalize monetarily.

There are countless other examples of his world-class swimming douchebaggery, but I will leave you with some words of wisdom from Ryan Lochte's very own Twitter feed:

You're not one of the greatest athletes. Get over yourself. I assume you meant "plan" instead of "plain also, since God definitely doesn't have a "plain" for everyone. I see you got your catchphrase slipped in there too. Good for you!!

The only thing that is second is you in every race you swim. Way to be second best.

What?

I could use some explanation about what the fuck this means.

Don't you literally do the opposite of that when you jump into a pool?

It's almost as if he's just pointing blindly at a dictionary to decide what word to use next.

The stars are infinitely further away from Earth than the Moon, Ryan.

And finally, some motivational words from America's dumbest dbag:

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